Relationships… New Year, New YOU, New Focus!

Dina Legland: 00:00:00

Are your relationships a two way street? You have the choice to let them go. And when you do, you create the space to invite in more meaningful ones. Welcome back listeners to hear inside and out. And this is going to be quite interesting. Navigating something like breast cancer, and as we heal, even beyond breast cancer, you know, we're in remission, or were what some people call cancer free. We've gone through so many different changes in this journey. And the truth of the matter is, is that we have changed. And I hear it all the time. And so what I would, what I would like to know here is how does change influence some of our relationships? It's quite interesting when we get into this conversation, and now that it's part of the new year, what does that mean? How do we reflect and think about what kinds of things we want to experience this year, a new year, brings a lot of change as well, and we want to welcome change, because change is good. You know, it's kind of like the seasons, you shed the old and embrace a new fresh start. And relationships can be exactly the same way. There are all types of different relationships, that we want to talk about. A relationship with a significant other, a mother and a child, our jobs, our careers, with our colleagues, and of course, family and friends. But most important, is the relationship you have with yourself. And I really want to kind of dig deep into this. So Maggie Omala, I would just love to hear what stirs up for you. What comes up for you? How are you feeling when you hear the word change in relationships,

Maggie Judge: 00:02:27

a lot of stir and going on here. Yeah, and I love how you how you made the point, Dana, that change in ourselves influencing that change in our relationships, because when I think of my, even just my past two and a half years, as I've navigated breast cancer, and now my ongoing healing, there's been a ton of change. But breast cancer, I've said this before breast cancer gave me publicly acceptable permission to take care of myself. So it was like it was I had to write. So taking care of myself, really, ultimately built a straw. It's about building a stronger relationship with myself, which I'm still doing, I'm still figuring out what that looks like for me. But that then definitely ended up resulting in me being more intentional about my relationships and where I'm spending my time and my energy, and it has had an impact on all my relationships. And my family is one that comes to mind right now, because they're my most important relationship that I've had the longest. And I still get a little emotional even thinking about this every time is that I feel like I'm finally to a point in my life. Given this recent very significant change, that I'm more open with them, and more open with them talking about the things that I didn't used to either feel comfortable talking about, or I assume they wouldn't care about sharing my feelings, sharing my the things that are important to me, and I am shocked with how well received it has been and how it has resulted in strengthening the connections that we have, I believe I'm

Dina Legland: 00:04:35

saying yeah, I mean, I feel exactly the same way. I mean, especially the relationship with my with my dad has become stronger and stronger. And it was something that was always difficult with me when it came to when he asked me to do things whether we were living across the street from each other or now Um, that we're down in southern Florida, and he's still part of New York and still part down here. You know, I always when he asked for something, I would always just say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I would, really that relationship has been like that since I was a child. And it was generational as well, because you never said no to your parents. You know, it was just, it was their way the highway and of conversation and we didn't talk about all these feelings. And, you know, you couldn't express yourself, I could never express myself with my mom. And I just kind of thought about something as you were speaking about relationship with family. My, like you said, breast cancer has taught us, you know, the meaning of relationships and what we want and what we don't want. And my mom wasn't here when I was going through my breast cancer journey. And it just dawned on me as he was speaking, how I most likely would have changed our relationship. Because of what I wanted, wow, what I want now and what I've learned through this journey, and, you know, all of it. And, you know, it's something that just hit me just all of a sudden, I'm kind of getting a little emotional myself.

Maggie Judge: 00:06:26

Wow, that is powerful. Yeah,

Dina Legland: 00:06:27

you know, and so today, I do it more and more with my dad, and my siblings. You know, it's just like, I tell them how I feel, not worrying about how they're going to react. And nine times out of 10, it's my own issue of disappointing them. And, you know, the worry about disappointing them. And when you finally say no, that you can't do something, or that's not going to work for me this time. You know, let's try that time instead. And then like, Okay, fine. And here I am for three days worrying about what they're going to say what they're gonna think what they're going to do, when it was just like, No, it's fine. I think we put that pressure on ourselves. And we don't realize that we have the choice to make the certain decisions that we want in our relationships.

Maggie Judge: 00:07:25

Choice is a perfect word for it. And thinking back to what you had said about your mom, I mean, back when it was like, you knew you had the choice, but maybe you didn't think you had the choice? Because like you say, in the generation we grew up with. Yeah. And it was just this, it was a generation where these things weren't talked about. And so trying to figure out these the monkey mind and the feelings that relationships stir up and then trying to do something productive with that was, it's hard.

Dina Legland: 00:08:01

Yeah, yeah. And it's okay, whether it's family, friends, co workers, or whoever. It's those relationships that we need to be okay with, if we need to let them go. And that's very hard to do. Absolutely. Some people can do it like that. I know a few people that are like, sucking the energy out of me, and I'm the drummer and whatnot. They're like, No, we're not dealing with that.

Maggie Judge: 00:08:29

And we and we worry so much about how the other person's going to feel which this ties directly to that point of, well, we matter, right? And what's important to us matters and and the things that that we find meaningful in our relationship matters. So when you start to talk about those things, with those you're in a relationship with you soon find out who is maybe someone that you want to either stay in a relationship with or who no longer fits. Right,

Dina Legland: 00:09:04

exactly. But others aren't mind reader's. And if they don't know what we need, or what we want, or what we desire, or what makes us uncomfortable in this relationship, how are they going to be able to maybe change whether they change and I hate to say the word good for bad, but it's just it's just fits this this thought process, if they're willing to change to make the relationship better than fantastic. But if they're not willing to see you and hear you, and respect you, then that like you said that relationship needs to go to the out the window to the wayside, however you want us. Yeah.

Maggie Judge: 00:09:54

Bye, bye. Yeah. Well, and it's back to what you you've said so many times is the relationship as a two A street, right? And it's not always about us changing or them changing. It's about being open to talk about those things together and see what remains important about the relationship, right? A shared mutual respect, I like that word respect you USD.

Dina Legland: 00:10:18

Right? Right. And it's also it's very hard for me because the word expectation always comes up. And I have learned and grown with this word that I can't expect people to do. Act, be more like me, because everybody is an individual. So I have been giving myself the permission to make an observation of a relationship, how is it going? Is it something that needs to change? Or is it growing and flourishing the way I like it to? You know, so I'm doing less and less expectation and just making observations.

Maggie Judge: 00:11:07

I love the concept of the observation. Because it is like that, just observing how conversations go, observing how you feel when you're spending time with the other person. And I think about with my healing and the things that I'm working on creating more of in my life, a critical part of like, my personal growth, and my healing is really surrounding myself with the people that helped me foster that create that, and they're not wrong if they don't want to, they're just maybe not for me, right.

Marla Ulstad: 00:11:45

Now, I might you made me think of, to Dina is the you mentioned respect, and the relationship and I think a lot of relationships that you have with others also depend depends on the respect you have for the relationship within yourself. Because if you don't have a respect for your own needs, and expectations, and what you bring to the relationship, how can you get and or give respect in your outward relationships. So that's a piece to work on.

Dina Legland: 00:12:22

I mean, I truly believe that age and life experiences make us more aware of what we want out of our relationships, but just, you know, now throw in a cancer diagnosis. And going through that entire process, because we're all different in our and our journeys are so different. It's just trying to navigate it, and realize that the time and the energy matters. It's, it's really, it really makes it more clear, it really fine tunes it. It

Maggie Judge: 00:13:03

does. And I love that, Dana, because if you think about when you're in the thick of something like breast cancer, and the treatments and all the unknowns and the fear, and the scary part of it, all right. The people that you surround yourself with have to be a source of strength, they have to be as a source of support or whatever. Right. But so why does that change? afterwards? It should always be the case. Right? Exactly. To make sure that the people we're surrounding ourselves do encourage support and challenge of course. And, and just that mutual respect, I think that's, that's key. And I end to your point, I think breast cancer is something it's a perfect example, a life experience, a life scenario that really helps you truly make it more important.

Dina Legland: 00:13:56

Right. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that, you know, and the choice is still yours, on maintaining those good relationships, whether it is with yourself, or someone else. And or both. I think it does intertwine with each other. It shouldn't be the relationship you have with yourself, which encompasses the relationships you have with others. And we didn't mention that two way street. I just love that analogy myself. You know, because it is it takes it takes time. It takes work, it takes energy to listen and meet each other on this path together. Not opposing in opposite ends, and like a tug of war kind of thing.

Maggie Judge: 00:14:54

And I just have to interject on that. Quickly that that whole the point you just made About the to listen and to pay attention to the energy like imagine going down a one way street, we've most of us have experienced going the wrong way, on a one way and you immediately have that panic feeling. Go back, go back. And that if that's what's coming to mind as I talked about those relationships that are not your way anymore,

Dina Legland: 00:15:25

so Right, yeah. I this is just an amazing conversation when when we get into it and the strength of your relationship with yourself truly impacts your relationship with others. And I really want our listeners to think about what do you have to let go of to create the relationship you want with yourself and with somebody else? And we would love to hear what your thoughts are on this. So we are asking for everyone to join our Facebook group. He'll inside and out and leave us a comment on this episode, which is number 47. And as we wrap up today, remember, healing truly is inside and out.