FEAR: To Tell or Not to Tell

Maggie Judge: 00:00:00

To tell or not to tell. In this episode, we explore the challenges with who, what, when, and where to tell others about your diagnosis.

Maggie Judge: 00:00:22

Hi, I'm Maggie.

Dina Legland: 00:00:24

And I'm Dina. And this is the show where we get real and raw about breast cancer, the fear, the love, the changes, the surprising gifts, and the celebrations in it all.

Maggie Judge: 00:00:39

At the end of the episode, we will be asking you to share your real and raw insight from this conversation.

Dina Legland: 00:00:46

Are you ready to dive into today's episode?

Maggie Judge: 00:00:52

Welcome back to our listeners. And today we have somewhat of a interesting conversation and that I would never have thought about this coming into a breast cancer journey. I don't know about you, Dina, but I think about when you get a diagnosis such as breast cancer, the people that you have to tell, and what goes into that, because it's like, who you tell when you're going to tell them how you're going to tell them and or who you're going to decide not to tell.

Dina Legland: 00:01:23

Right? Exactly. During my journey, actually, in the beginning of my journey, when I found out and I got the diagnosis, as the listeners have heard me say that I was driving home from work that day. And I just kept saying, How am I going to tell my husband? How am I going to tell my daughters, and because they were going through the process with me getting all the opinions, they knew they were the only three that knew that I was going for all this testing and everything. But when the final diagnosis came in, and I went back home to tell my husband and my two daughters, they knew from the look on my face, what it was, I didn't have this specific name at that point. And, you know, it was terrifying, of course. So that fear of telling somebody was at the forefront. But the one person that was the hardest to tell was my dad. Because 10 years, no, six years prior, we lost my mom to a cancer that was vaginal cancer, she had uterine cancer, and she had Ms. And to tell my dad who actually lived across the street from me, so I saw my dad every day. So when I did go across the street, I just had this blank look on my face. And he kept saying what's wrong? What's wrong? What's the matter? Because he had no clue I was going for testing like nobody knew. And when I looked in his eyes, and I said, I have breast cancer. I just lost my self in his arms. And I'm hysterical. And he's holding me and all he says to me, in the dad voice that he has says to me, you got this, you're going to be fine. But in my in my mind, Maggie, what was going on was, you know, he lost his wife six years ago, you know, now his adult daughter is sick. You know, I was the care giver. I was the one that took care of him and my mom and I you know, I've spoken a few times about my fear of, you know, not being loved and judged because you know, I have to take care of myself and that how am I gonna take care my dad now like, what's he going to be like? And it was difficult.

Maggie Judge: 00:04:08

It was difficult imagine in your you're so close to me lived like so many ways so close to him. But also we're very close to him and I can't imagine that. It what you made me think of is I think our loved ones so often mirror back what they want us to feel and or we mirror to them what we want them to believe in how we're going

Dina Legland: 00:04:35

and how we how we feel and what we think. Yeah, absolutely. And so

Maggie Judge: 00:04:39

you felt such relief telling him because it was such a build up of oh my gosh, I have to tell my poor father this and you just fell into his arms and let it out. I felt the fields right.

Dina Legland: 00:04:52

Yes. So Maggie, tell our audience when it came time to telling the one Is that you wanted to tell about your diagnosis? How did that feel for you?

Maggie Judge: 00:05:07

It was it was scary. And of course I have as I'm such an overthinker about everything I overthought. How do I want to approach this? And I wanted the people closest to me to know I got this, I wanted to feel very strong. There's not a right way or wrong way

Dina Legland: 00:05:29

to tell anybody. We all go through that. Right. I'm listening to you. And that just I'm sorry to interrupt you. But that just was like, we feel as women and as caregivers and always the one that's giving that feeling. Do I just guide or wrong way to do this? Absolutely. Not no one.

Maggie Judge: 00:05:51

I still have head to toe chills that you said that. It applies to so many things in my life where I want to get it right. What's right, yeah. That's a brilliant point.

Dina Legland: 00:06:04

So I just, I just made Maggie go sideways here for a minute.

Maggie Judge: 00:06:08

Come back and sideways here. Well, no, and I love that point. And I think that when I, by my hardest to to tell, were my daughter and my mom, and I'll come back to my daughter. But in telling my mom, I wanted to wait until I I had all the information, which as we know doesn't happen. We don't We never get all the information. Exactly. So I was I didn't want her to worry. I wanted to be able to give her that confidence. I've got this mom, because 30 years prior, after I had my baby, I was diagnosed with what wasn't a diagnosis they didn't know I was in the hospital for over a month with in ICU, they didn't think I was gonna make it it was an unknown thing. The doctors could not figure it out. Terrifying in that full month of being in the hospital and in and out of ICU. My mom was there, right? going crazy trying to navigate this with the doctors. And I saw what it did to her. And obviously it impacted my brother and my dad as well. But it was like I saw what it did to her. And so to come back, and it was actually a hormone thing. In fact, the doctors told me if you just have another baby, maybe it'll go away. And I'm like, I'm not taking that risk. Because it was hormone based. And now I'm 30 years later coming back to my mom and saying I have extra positive. You know, it was triple positive, but it was extra positive hormone based

Dina Legland: 00:07:42

breast cancer. Isn't that isn't that like I wanted in a way where 30 years ago it was hormonal. And some breast cancer diagnosis are all hormonal.

Maggie Judge: 00:07:55

Yes. It's very ironic. And it's it's with her. When I told her, she, I think that she did her crying and emotional reaction away from me because she wanted to be strong. And so similar to your dad, she

Dina Legland: 00:08:16

says, You got this.

Maggie Judge: 00:08:17

I know you've got this to the point. She actually weeks later, maybe months later apologized. And I said Why are you apologizing? She said, What I don't want you to think I dismissed the severity of this, because I didn't react. But she said I wanted to be strong for you. So she told me that.

Dina Legland: 00:08:36

Yeah, absolutely.

Maggie Judge: 00:08:39

It was yeah, it's it's interesting. It's our parents, it's so challenging to not we want to protect them like they've always protected us.

Dina Legland: 00:08:48

Yeah. You know, unfortunately, I didn't have my mom to tell me and the heartbreaker, I can get very emotional about it. Because my mother and I had a a tough relationship. But I helped take care of her when she was ill, and not be able to tell her because she always as I got older and raised the kids and as she was getting older and becoming sicker and sicker, our relationship got very, very close. We talked about a lot of different things, things that we didn't talk about when I was younger versus now and all of that and not to be able to tell her and have that support. And that love from from her was was difficult. I would talk to her anyway. You know, I had her there was a portrait of her on one of my pieces of furniture at home and I would talk to her as if she was going to answer me and tell her how my day went. Whether it was horrible because of the chemo or you know, a good day, a bad day, whatever it was. I always spoke

Maggie Judge: 00:10:00

Ah, well, and knowing both of our faith, we know she was there. He was worth it. Yeah. Right. So it's wonderful.

Dina Legland: 00:10:05

So Maggie, tell us, let's go back to your daughter, because you said that you wanted to go back to that. So explain to us what that's all about.

Maggie Judge: 00:10:14

So with Suzy, when I was diagnosed, she was 3029. And telling her was really hard because I was with her, a single mom for 10 years. And we've got so very close. And so my first as you heard me talk about in earlier episodes, my one of my biggest fears was not being there for her. And I did not want her to share that same fear. I didn't want her to start imagining, I'm going to be gone, right? I'm not going to beat this. So I wanted to be very strong. And as I already mentioned, I wanted her to mirror back that same strength. So I told her when I was in a position to be that strong, okay, I've got this. And it was interesting, because I wasn't going to see her for a full day. And after I found out, I felt like I can't hold this from her, but I'm not going to do it over the phone. Right. So when she came over, and I sat down, similar to what you said about your dad, you know, I just I had this look on my face. And she's like, What, mom one. But when I told her immediate again, her reaction was the same. We've got this, and she was so strong. I was so impressed. And I was even inspired right to it. I think that creates momentum, even though I talked about that mirror, right? It's like, when we can be strong. That's what people tend to be back to us. Right? Versus, and oh, my gosh, and all that hard stuff, right? And all the worry. But she did also tell me later that she broke down, separate with her friends and roommate because she just didn't want she

Dina Legland: 00:12:04

didn't want you to see it. And I'm sure my, my dad was similar. He would actually call my sister who lived in New Jersey, we lived in New York, he lived in New Jersey, she ran across the street, right across the street from each other. Right? So he he would call her to find out how I'm doing. And she would say Dad, just as Tina, how she's doing. So this happened quite often. So I literally had to call my dad tell him to come over, sat him in my living room. And I said, you have to stop. You have to talk to me. You have to ask me how I'm doing. And that's when he broke down. Right in front of me. And and then ever since then, it was just like, you got this he would support me, he would ask me, you know, he would buy me things he would do whatever you wanted to do. At that point. I think he needed to release his fear.

Maggie Judge: 00:12:59

I was gonna say he seems like he finally realized I have to face these emotions with dena. Yes. And let them out. And you gave him that release. Yeah. Wow. It was great. He may not have thought he wanted it.

Dina Legland: 00:13:12

But he did. He needed it. I think you needed it, too.

Maggie Judge: 00:13:16

So what about when you think about, you know, obviously, we've got our inner circle of family and very close friends that we tell what about those people outside of our circles? I think about you know, whether it's in casual friends you see every now and again or people you see it the you know, walking through your neighborhood or whatever it was that a challenge for you to figure out do I tell him doing that?

Dina Legland: 00:13:42

i One of my biggest challenges was at work. I needed to tell my Of course, my immediate supervisor because I needed to go for my opinions. And I needed to figure this all out, you know, and at first I told her there was just heard that needed to know and three co workers I wanted to tell that were very, very close to me, everybody else I'm not ready to tell. And unfortunately, I got pressured every time I went to work when you go tell everybody when you want to tell everybody everybody needs to know by by my supervisor. And I And sometimes when you push me against the wall, I react quite aggressively don't

Maggie Judge: 00:14:32

put Dean in a corner Nope. What do you know in the gonna?

Dina Legland: 00:14:35

And I just blurted out, I will tell them when I'm good and ready. And good for you. But I come to find out later on that the reason why it was pushed was because she told somebody that she shouldn't have

Maggie Judge: 00:14:51

oh my goodness,

Dina Legland: 00:14:52

I was another co co worker of mine. And when I was ready to tell the rest of the My coworkers, I actually put them all in a room. I said, everybody coming, I got up the dahlia, you know, so I put everything into one, I was just gonna do it once. And the one person that was missing was the one person that knew. So I told everybody, and they were very supportive, you know, whatever you need, great. But it's things like that, that you fear of telling, how are people going to react to it?

Maggie Judge: 00:15:26

How are they going to look at you differently? treat you differently? Just be in your presence differently. It gets changes things. Yeah.

Dina Legland: 00:15:33

So you know, it took courage to be able to stand on my own two feet and say, well, first of all, this is my diagnosis. I'm gonna handle it the way I need to handle it. And I will tell when I'm ready. And that's what I want our listeners to know. You're in control? Yes. Don't let anybody pressure you into making a decision. Whether you want to tell somebody you don't want to tell somebody?

Maggie Judge: 00:16:00

Yes, that's a great point. And when you think about just having those conversations to with those closest to you and our work, like I was blessed, I didn't I worked from home, I had my own business at that time. So I wasn't, I never even thought about that coworkers, and how I would have handled that in my past job, but having the conversations with my family with with my husband, and with my daughter saying these are the people that I want to talk to and to tell. And then these are the people and are the situations where I just don't want to go there. So they knew have a choice. Yeah, we all have a show. Exactly. So yeah, I remember when my husband and I would be walking out in the neighborhood, and we'd run into neighbors up the street or whatever, that we know pretty well. But I just, I wouldn't be in the mood to talk about it. And he would give me this look like, are you gonna tell them? And I'd be looking at him almost like that. No, not not feeling it. But then obviously, then they're realizing something's up, right, I want to know, so. So I think that's it. Another thing for our listeners is to really be intentional, to let those that you're with often know what your approach is, right? So that they can support you. Because my husband didn't mean that he didn't, he just didn't know that I had to be in a certain mood, I didn't want to break down at certain times, like in the grocery store. I don't want to be talking about the I O peanut butter. You know, a person I see every

Dina Legland: 00:17:29

so often. Right? Exactly.

Maggie Judge: 00:17:32

So So what's your perspective on just in general, when you think about going into that whole concept of letting your your family friends and network know what's your,

Dina Legland: 00:17:47

my perspective on it is choose who you want to tell. And don't feel bad about not telling other people. You know, it's, it's you have to be comfortable with yourself. And sometimes we don't have control of how others feel, think say. So another big thing that I like to talk about is that's them, it's on them, it's not on you. So please just be able to sit here with yourself and choose when, who, where you want to when you want to talk about this and not feel guilty about am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the wrong thing? Because there is no right or wrong?

Maggie Judge: 00:18:45

Exactly. Like you called me on earlier there's no right way to do this. Right. It's a very personal thing and I agree with you 100% And the only thing I will add is just the piece we talked about with knowing that and trusting that what you put out there in tone and mindset and behavior is is what will be mirrored back exactly. Very often that oh it's not like 100% Real here but I just truly believe that if you put out there that you are strong and you've got this that people will be strong for you more often than not if you put out there that you are scared to death and you the worry comes through so much that is also potential in that that you can't with those closest to you I wouldn't pick and choose the people

Dina Legland: 00:19:39

exactly I was just going to say that you beat me to

Maggie Judge: 00:19:43

pick and choose the people you want to to have those vulnerable very fearful like I would just break down with my husband with you know if if I was trying to open the bread and the bread broke right might be the time I decided I'm gonna break down about my breast cancer. Exactly.

Dina Legland: 00:19:57

Yeah, yeah, I did. The same dependent on who it was, who it was, at that moment and what it was, you know, and that's just such a true statement.

Maggie Judge: 00:20:10

And I will simply add to which I think this Deena is something I'm so grateful for is that the reaching out intentionally to other people that are going through this and building that community around yourself is a big part of this too, which is how I met you

Dina Legland: 00:20:27

exactly that. The other part of that the other, which I get excited about is we heal through storytelling. And people at times, don't want to let out their story because of fear of what people might say do or think. Yeah, we're, as you just mentioned, community that healing community is, is amazing. It's just amazing. We don't realize it sometimes we don't.

Maggie Judge: 00:20:57

And I think we've got one Bruin maybe. Yes, we did. All right. Well, thanks for listening. I truly love that we can have these conversations and we always hope that they help you our listeners.

Dina Legland: 00:21:13

Absolutely. Thank you.

Dina Legland: 00:21:19

Thank you for joining us. We hope you found value in today's episode.