FEAR: Port Installation

Maggie Judge: 00:00:00

Port or no port? The medications gotta get in somehow learn a couple of perspectives on the portal for treatment.

Maggie Judge: 00:00:19

Hi I'm Maggie.

Dina Legland: 00:00:20

And I'm Dina. And this is the show where we get real and raw about breast cancer, the fear, the love, the changes, the surprising gifts, and the celebrations in it all.

Maggie Judge: 00:00:35

At the end of the episode, we will be asking you to share your real and raw insight from this conversation.

Dina Legland: 00:00:42

Are you ready to dive into today's episode?

Dina Legland: 00:00:49

Hi, welcome back to heal inside and out. Today, Maggie and I are going to take a deep dive into discussing fear further. But before we get too far, I'm going to provide a trigger warning here. Things can get real and raw when we share our breast cancer experience. And what ends up happening is that not everybody is ready to hear it today. So if that is you, please take care of yourself and come back and join us another time when you're ready. So today, we are going to talk about port installation. And I'm curious Maggie, I had a port. And I know you had a port? What came up for you? And what might have been some of the fears when you heard that you needed a port?

Maggie Judge: 00:01:49

So the port installation is such a when you look back, it seems like a minor part of the whole journey. Yes, I agree. When you're facing it, it's such a major part. Because it's like you get the call, you hear the Charlie Brown wah wah, you don't understand what's happening. And then it's like, you need to schedule this payment for your biopsy, you need to come in here for this MRI, you need to do this. And then we need to get your CT installed, and you need a surgery or appointment with your surgeon and all this stuff. And it's like, I can't even push the brakes right now. I just gotta go. And so imagining how fast that is thrown upon us, or we're cast into that. And then you're literally getting prepped for surgery. And they're gonna put a device. So this is where my fear my my fears were all over the place there. But my fear was specifically around having a full functioning operating device installed next to my heart. Like, that sounds a little harsh to me. Well, it doesn't seem basic to me.

Dina Legland: 00:03:00

Yeah, I mean, I understand from your point of view, that you have something implanted near your heart. I love the audience to realize that I am a nurse. So I've worked with poets. I've been the one who has been giving medicine through a port. And you brought something up that they told you, you will have to go through your port. When I was diagnosed, they said it was my choice. If I wanted a port or not through and it's yes. And it's just so funny on how you know, you go through this journey and you look back. And I just realized when you said it that they said you needed a port and I'm saying wait a minute, they told me no, it was my decision. And because of my medical background, I put a port in. And the fear that came up for me wasn't around my port. It was around not having a port. Because I know that certain drugs can irritate the veins. Interesting. Yes. So we're looking at it from two different angles here, which is fantastic. And I really believe that that will help our audience to make a decision in regard to having a port or not having a port and once again, the choice is yours and nobody else's.

Maggie Judge: 00:04:42

And I love that you added that because I there's so many future episodes we're going to come back to this stuff to around like self advocacy i I probably could have had the choice. But when they rattled off my five steps I had to come in and make appointments for and get prepped for surgery for I didn't ask any question. I didn't ask enough questions I didn't ask. I was just like, Okay, let's go, we're doing this, right. So I don't, I won't say I blindly went into it. But this is also where I think, to stress for our listeners that there's always always opportunities to, to challenge the decisions, either that you feel are being made or that are being put in front of you. And make sure that you truly do recognize your choices. So I appreciate you saying that.

Dina Legland: 00:05:37

Thank you. Yeah, it's a big, it was a big deal. Because like you said, I started my chemo and the day before, they said, we're scheduling your your chemo, November 9 2016. And you have to go in the day before for your for your port placement. It stays accessed, which means they keep a needle in there. And the next day, I was having my chemo treatment, it was like, whoa, wow, what's happening? And does it right? It's, it's, it can be very frightful because you are going under anesthesia to have something placed under your skin near your heart.

Maggie Judge: 00:06:25

Yes. And I don't want to leave our listeners with the fear of God that or maybe still facing a poor placement. Right? Because that was my fear. And actually, like I said, looking back now, I mean, once I got it in and felt it under my skin, it was only odd. You know, it's just an odd feeling to have that kind of lump under there, whatever. But I felt grateful that each time I had to go in for anything, even if I had to go into the hospital or the clinic or for something even different than chemo, they would access my blood through the port, which was I guess, helpful, because it's not all these other pricks. Right. So exactly. I appreciated that. And I will say the thing that helped me because some nurses were great at accessing the port. You couldn't even feel it. Some nurses, it was like, Oh, it's a pretty big needle. But when you use that Lana Cane or whatever, like what, like, minor cane on there an hour before you go to your appointment, it was like, Oh, that I loved that thing. That was my friend.

Dina Legland: 00:07:43

Yes. And, Maggie, I would love for you to talk about because what just came up for me is that you said lidocaine is your friend. All right. So that leads me to ask the question. How did you turn that fear into something different?

Maggie Judge: 00:08:06

Um, okay, so that is a great question. I have always believed that fear and love can't coexist. So when I'm having these fearful thoughts, I, when I'm aware, because you're not always aware that they're swimming around up there, they can just take over, right. But when I'm aware, I try to let that thought to its opposite to my desired outcome, even if it feels silly, exact I'm hoping for. So So for example, I love that question. Because for example, I went once I had the port in and I was facing going in to get the, the port accessed. I'm thinking okay, if they're going to access it, and it's going to move around again, it's still by my heart. What if something happens and they miss or sudden shifts or all these fears, right? And then I'm like, Okay, stop. What if the port allows for super simple, clean, consistent access every time to get the chemo only to exactly where it needs to go? So that was like my, and at first even felt I would laugh at myself saying that. Right. I don't know that I believed it. It was just this but again, it created momentum around the more positive thoughts behind that port access and those those fears that I had,

Dina Legland: 00:09:52

right. So technically, it's like, how I use it is flipping the switch. But you're flipping the fear into love and positivity. I do the same, but I call it flipping the switch.

Maggie Judge: 00:10:11

I love that. Yeah, yeah, I call it my what else? So I love how you said that. It's like, what else, we tend to get our fearful thoughts into the end of the negative, what else are the scary what else and so I flip it into the reverse of that, or the the, the opposite or the positive of that, what else? What else, it's much different than you're fearing. Exactly. Fill in the blank. So and I love your flip the switch, that's awesome. Because I

Dina Legland: 00:10:39

used to sit in the chair. And like I said, I know what it's like to be the one giving the medicine through a port, because of my healthcare experience. And being now the patient was also another difficult thing to go through, and the fears. And I too, don't want to scare our audience. But it's just like, I know both ends now. And I would look at certain nurses, and I be a little I don't want to say judgmental, but I My eyes were everywhere. I was watching everything. Because I know that through my entire nursing career, I treated my patients like I wanted to be treated. And here I am, as a patient.

Maggie Judge: 00:11:41

Up, see and imagine I can't imagine with your experience and everything you've seen and heard and touched in that in the world, in the medical world in this area. Right? How different your perspective would be going into this. So that's what I was going to ask you like your fears were much different than my fears. And can you quantify what was most scary for you in that port peace.

Dina Legland: 00:12:14

What I would say is just like putting a needle in a vein when you take blood. And I'm sure our audience does know what it's like to go for bloodwork. But you can you can miss the port. Because you're right, they do move. So there's a specific way to access a port, so it doesn't move. And I'm not going to go into the medical part of that, because that's not what this is all about. It's really about being the patient knowing that it can be missed. So the needle has to come back out and reinserted. And by all means, once again, we don't want our audience to be fearful about this. But it's the truth. And we do talk about real and raw things fear. Yep. And that was kind of where I had some of my fears. Okay, when it came to my port.

Maggie Judge: 00:13:31

Yeah, because of what you've seen and things to your mind could probably go further in that stuff. And that's like me.

Dina Legland: 00:13:39

And that's a very good point. Because yes, the mind went further. And it started to get negative. And I kept saying to myself, don't go there. How are you going to flip the switch and make this a positive? Okay, let's face it. Cancer sucks. But, in reality, what we have been talking about, we've both said it, what is the gift from it? Yep. And being able to flip that switch and say, Alright, I'm going down the negative path, flip the switch, because now I want to go down the positive path. And that works very differently for everybody. And it's not something that and don't, I'm gonna say, no pun intended, but you just can't flip the switch and go from negative to positive in two seconds. Some people might be able to, but let's face it, it takes some time. You know, we have to change our thought process. You know, we have to practice it. And then if the while you flip that switch in, you're good.

Maggie Judge: 00:14:51

Yes. Agree. And, you know, you just made me think of something else to Dina that when you're getting that or access because the port is in us for months, sometimes years at a time. Yes, scar tissue can build up. And I remember a couple of my last few chemo or a couple of my last chemos. I, they literally had multiple nurses standing around me while I was like, bending over my with my head down between my knees so they could see if they could get through the scar tissue or move it right or I don't know, you, you know more of what they were trying to do. And, and again, that so there was of course, fear of Oh, my gosh, they can't get in now. What? And but the nurses, all of the nurses from my favorite ones to my not as social friendly. It's true. They all want you to be comfortable. Yes. So I think that was something that I kept coming back to, to help with those fears, because they wanted to just help me through it in the most comfortable way possible. Right. So, yeah, so grateful for the medical team on that that helped minimize some of the fears. So what if you, given your background and experience? What would you what, what, either insight or nugget? Would you share someone that was facing a port installation at this point?

Dina Legland: 00:16:30

What I would say is, ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask the nurses, specially the nurses, can you walk me through this as you're doing it? And most of the nurses do tell you, I'm cleaning it now I'm doing X I'm doing why I'm doing Z, you know, let me know if anything hurts. And then there are those nurses that just come at you and do and not say anything. So I feel very strongly about having people, us women really advocate for ourselves and ask questions, and say, walk me through this step by step. Without a doubt,

Maggie Judge: 00:17:29

is a good one. And sometimes even when we asked them to walk them through it, walk us through it. We sometimes settle for an explanation or a language we don't truly understand. So asking those clarifying questions as they're walking us through it is sometimes very important as well. So

Dina Legland: 00:17:49

yes, if you don't understand something that they're saying, please just ask them, What does that mean? Can you explain it differently to me? You know, we're going through a journey that's unknown. So if we can be educated, and and have the explanations for why things are going the way they're going, or things that they're doing to us than it does it makes the experience more common?

Maggie Judge: 00:18:29

Yeah, yeah. That's a good point. And, and I would say that, when I, I obviously came at it from such a different lens of unknowns that, I would say to anyone facing it at this point, to just trust that it is the path to the treatment. And if if it's a choice that you make, and something that your treatment requires, right, I feel like it's, and I'll talk more about it when we get more into chemo stuff. But I just, I tend to dare, like, put my hand over my port so often, and just trust that, okay, this is how the treatment is going to get in and help my body heal. And that was how I kept varying my port as a helpful thing.

Dina Legland: 00:19:25

Right. Yeah, exactly. It's this. It's the access to healing. Yeah, exactly. Well, I liked that. Well

Maggie Judge: 00:19:34

said. Well said you'd love it. All right. Well, I can't wait to see what we talk about next. What?

Dina Legland: 00:19:46

Oh, no, we have it all planned out for that audience. So please, listen.

Maggie Judge: 00:19:54

Alright. Great conversation again, Bina. Thank you so much.