Why Me? Why Now?

Maggie Judge: 00:00:00

Why me? Why now that I just say that out loud? Welcome back to our heal inside and out podcast listeners. So Deena, I'm going to make a statement here. And I'm just going to ask you to react to it. Okay, why me? Why now? What does that make you feel like?

Dina Legland: 00:00:26

That actually brings back a lot of memories to be honest with you. That why me why now is something that I always said to myself. I never truly said it out loud. Same here, a conversation just kept going around in my head round in my head and round in my head. And the reason why it just kept playing like a broken record, was because I thought I did everything right. I thought I was in control. And that statement, played havoc on my mind, it did play this game back and forth of My mindset, negative, positive, positive, negative, it just went back and forth. Because six years prior, I had lost 100 plus pounds, and got to be the healthiest I could ever be. I loved I loved my job. At that point, the kids was through, you know, thriving in school, and, you know, relationship. My husband was wonderful. You know, it was just, I was on top of the world I was hiking, I was able to do so much more. My mindset, my confidence, my self esteem. And then six years later, boom, you have cancer. Wow. So, you know, so that why me why now? I truly never said it out loud. And I have a feeling you because we're very similar in so many ways. I have a feeling that you might have done the same thing.

Maggie Judge: 00:02:11

Yes, exactly the same thing. And it's interesting, because I remember those conversations with myself. When I first heard the news, especially. I, I was just flabbergasted. And some of it was similar to you where I feel like I eat healthy, I exercise, I take good care of myself, I get my supplements, my vitamins, my meta books, like I do all the things right. But what are other things what's right for my body? What's right for your body are two completely different things we don't know. We just try, we can only do our best, right? So I felt like I was doing my best. But when this came, I was just devastated. And having that conversation with myself. Like, like, wait, what? And I just remember feeling like I I wasn't about to be defeatist. So I need to figure out a way to let that go. So to your point, that's why I wouldn't say it out loud. I was not going to be the victim. I was I was like, okay, mindset matters here. And not that you can just forget about it and, you know, be all Pollyanna and positive. I think we say that a lot here. But, but mindset does matter. So I just after I had those conversations with myself is when I then said, Okay, now I got to figure out what's the plan? What is the next whatever three 612 months look like? Let's do this.

Dina Legland: 00:03:53

Right? I actually, after I did that, on and off for a little while, then I then I then my attitude started to change. My mindsets really changed. It was like, Nope, you're not getting me. Not happen. And not after all the hard work I just finished doing. You know, so that mindset is of positivity. And going through the steps, and you're right. You know, was it going to be three months? Was it gonna be six months? Was it gonna be the whole year? Like, we don't know what the future was going to be? Yes, we did have treatment plans. We had surgical plans. We had all that. But let's face it, that doesn't always happen the way we think it's going to happen because of other circumstances. And so that's where I had to say No way I am dealing with this. The best way that I know how

Maggie Judge: 00:04:58

what and I know you well enough to know We We both probably agree with this, that mindset matters, yes. But then it's even the fact that we both never said it out loud. has a lot to do with not only trying to move away from it internally, but saying it out loud gives it energy, right? So I didn't even say to my husband who I talked about everything with, or my daughter, who I talked to about everything. So I didn't want to say it out loud. Because then that gave it life. It was like, nope, not gone. They're not even gonna say,

Dina Legland: 00:05:37

No, I did the same thing. I did not say it to my husband. And you're right. I same same relationship. We talked about everything. And that was one thing that I was like, hiding from him and my two daughters. The why me the why now? Because then it's just like, you know, the negativity starts to creep up. And it's more like, No, you know, you have to stay positive. Let's face it. Like we said, it wasn't every day like that. It was a positive every single day. And that's where I honestly feel like you always mentioned Maggie feel the fields. You know, don't keep it inside. What are we so fearful of that when we say it out loud? I think that is right. Yeah. Well, I

Maggie Judge: 00:06:38

think that's a great point. Because I love how you said, I just said I didn't say it out loud to my daughter or my husband. I don't think I ever said it out loud to Marla who I worked with every single day and talked about things right. But the way you said I hit it, there is that that element to it of okay, we can be strong and not say it and give it life and give it energy. But then what are we doing with that?

Dina Legland: 00:07:10

Right, we're keeping it inside? Yeah.

Maggie Judge: 00:07:12

So right. So the field the fields piece is a is a brilliant point there that. How are we moving through it then? And are we done?

Dina Legland: 00:07:23

Yeah. Because we do have many people in our lives that we love, and we trust. You know, and here, once again, as I'm saying it out loud, and going back and thinking about it. If I say why me why now? Am I going to be judged by that? Am I not going to be loved by that? Yeah, which was the things I feared the most, you know, and I can't believe that just came back to the surface again right now. Yep. And that's what I love so much about the conversations that we have. And as we talk it out, we find out things about ourselves that we thought were I'm good with that. I'm done with that. I've taken care of that. And all of a sudden resurface.

Maggie Judge: 00:08:17

Yeah, that's actually it's it's interesting, because what was coming back to me is, I remember tearing up when I got the call. And when I was having those conversations with myself, and that my first reaction I remembered, I remember tearing up when I told those first few people pulses to me, right? But then I was like, I wanted to be strong. And what I remember like it was yesterday is a random evening crawling in bed and just bawling my eyes out. And it was, it was far enough after my initial emote in my initial diagnosis where my husband was like, are you okay? That's like, right. I couldn't say anything. I just needed to cry. And so I think yeah, to your point, it's when those things kind of come back to us. It's like, that's when I decided to feel the fields I guess in that moment, and by the way, I was going to feel them as bawl my eyes out for a while.

Dina Legland: 00:09:22

Absolutely, like a lot of my moments because I was working and I had a drive to work and drive home I took it out on the steering wheel a lot Oh safely yes safely. The why me the why now is like I hit the steering wheel, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Or if a song came on that was I have to say set I said song. It'd be like Oh, come on now. I don't need to listen to this song right now. And then the why me that why now started to creep back up again. You know, and it's important to feel them. And if you can't say, Why me why now out loud to somebody that you love in your truck that you trust words on paper journaling about getting it out? You know, is that another way of having control over it? To be honest with you? Yeah. And that's, that's how I feel about it.

Maggie Judge: 00:10:26

I love that point. So like the feeling the feels piece, whether you're crying or listening to music, or whatever you need to do to move through that that journal piece is brilliant. Because even if you write at the top of the page, why me why now? And then you scribble or you scrape or you whatever you draw, right, is, that's what it needs to be. Right. I love that. So what what other tips come to mind when you think about this concept of the why me why now conversation?

Dina Legland: 00:11:03

We talked about mindset. And you talk about the what if, and I talked about flipping the switch. And it's, it takes practice. And that's what I want our listeners to know. You know, it's not as easy as flipping the switch that you do when you're in the house. Okay, it takes practice. And there's days that it's going to be I right, I got this, no worries, you know, I'm, I'm good today, you know, I'm in a happy place right now. And then there's, that's, that's those times where it's just like, Yeah, this is not going to be a good day. I already know that this is not going to be a good day. And it's okay. It's okay.

Maggie Judge: 00:12:00

I love that. Because when you think too of like moving through those, those strong emotions that we're going to have not holding onto a moving throne and finding the way that's meaningful for you to move through it. And in some cases, the flip the switch, what I love about you're flipping the switch, is that, to your point, it isn't instant like that, but it is almost like trickery of the mind. You know, think of it that simple, just flip it, just move it to the opposite or whatever. And some days we're going to be better at that than others. And I think that, you know, it's, it's finding that, that more positive frame of mind or that positively framed thing that you're so worried about. And I also feel like finding, finding the one thing that you can feel grateful about because even if it's unrelated to what you're focusing on or struggling with, it's just shifting that focus to something you can feel great about. Grateful for, or you can feel like you is a win that you can celebrate for yourself.

Dina Legland: 00:13:16

Exactly. Celebrating that one positive thing. And it could be the smallest thing doesn't have to be this big Granger kind of wins celebration. I got out of bed today. Yep. Yeah, especially, you know, for our listeners that are, you know, going through chemo or radiation or whatever, you know, it's just like, alright, this is really kicking my butt right now. All right, and the alarm goes off, and it's a new day. And it's just like, I got out of bed today.

Maggie Judge: 00:13:59

I love that. And what I will add to that one is and this is one that I would try to celebrate more often as I didn't get out of bed today. I gave myself the rest and I let myself be okay with it. I didn't beat myself up.

Dina Legland: 00:14:15

Exactly. Say we. You know, it's also it's also about doing something that brings you joy. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of times for me during this journey, I love to listen to music. I love really listening to live bands. So whenever they were in the neighborhood, I would definitely go see, you know, the band. But just even if I couldn't do you do that. I would just whether I was in the car driving home, the music was blasting and I was singing at the top of my lungs. Not that I could sing very well. But when I would come home I was feeling not so great. I would turn the music on and I would dance. Because to me dancing, lets go and I'm, I'm free. I love that that's the best way I can explain it.

Maggie Judge: 00:15:13

I love that. And I'm so sorry. But I have to say, as you're singing out loud at the top of your lungs are dancing. Love it. And then is Bobby The one sitting there saying why me? Why now?

Dina Legland: 00:15:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Just what is going on? And I couldn't. I couldn't agree more. You know, I'm glad you brought that up. Because I found humor every single day. Yeah. As I was going through my journey, and I people thought I was a little on the crazy side. You know, when I talked about my implants, when I talked about being bald, I mean, the things that I did and said, people, like, don't joke around like that. This is serious. My guess is serious. But why can't we have fun with it? Right? Yeah, that is, we find the gift

Maggie Judge: 00:16:09

that's finding the joy. And yes, the gift. And I always I always used to say to Marla, I know that this was a gift. For me. It's happening for me, not? To me. There's a lesson. There's a lesson in here, right? So I think the I think the other piece that I really want our listeners to think about is being gracious with themselves through this. Recognizing that it's gonna come and go based on your circumstances. And sometimes you're able to find the gift. Sometimes you're able to be grateful, sometimes you're able to flip it or find the joyful thing you want to do. And sometimes you may not. So it's really being gracious with ourselves, and letting go of that hard. Hardness about getting it right.

Dina Legland: 00:17:04

Oh, yeah, there's no right or wrong to this journey. Now, seriously, that there really isn't because we are so all unique. Different. There's just so many other words I could use. And that's what's so important. Yeah, it's, it's being able to have this situation going on, and how we react to it. Yep. And that's what that's the word react came to mind when you were just saying your last few words. You know, how we react

Maggie Judge: 00:17:43

to it. I love that. And it's, it's like, the nature of the question, Why me? Why now supports the underlying thing we all know, we're not in control. So it's really figuring out how we're going to react to your point. I love that reaction piece, as we move through it in a way that serves us.

Dina Legland: 00:18:15

Right and serves serves the individual. Because once again, you will probably hear me say over and over again. We're so different, we're so unique. And just because I might do it this way, Maggie, you might do it another way. The next person is going to do it a different way. And it's and it's fine. And like you said you have to find what makes it easier, less stressful, more joy, you know, letting go however that works for the individual.