Allowing Love & Support

Dina Legland: 00:00:00

Do you lose your identity when you allow love and support in welcome back to another episode of heal inside and out real enrollment in breast cancer. And today's going to be one of, I would say, a very, I want to say a very interesting topic that Maggie and I both have challenges with. And it's allowing love and support in as we are going through this journey, or even beyond this journey, as we are always ongoing, ongoing with our healing. And I would just love our audience to know Maggie, what kind of love and support that you had that actually gave you some challenges that you were faced with?

Maggie Judge: 00:00:55

Well, it's a great question. And for me, it was more of the love and support that I didn't, I didn't really know what I needed. So people were just giving whatever support they knew how to give. And so there was almost like this disconnect. Right? So for me, I had to take a step back and identify what did I need? And I wasn't good at asking for help. So my core challenge was really figuring out. Okay, how do I take a step back and think honestly, about what do I need from others? That was like a foreign question to me.

Dina Legland: 00:01:32

Yeah, no, I

Unknown: 00:01:34

know, I was the same way. Yeah. So it's like I had this canned

Maggie Judge: 00:01:37

prepared answer of when people would say, How can I help? Or what do you need, I would say, I'm good. Thank you, though. And it would just head that off at the past. So I didn't have to have the conversations. However, I knew I needed the support deep down. So I knew I had to get over that and figure that out in order to really break that disconnect and get meaningful support. So for me, people wanted to help. And I was doing them a disservice by not allowing it and doing myself a disservice by not figuring out what it looked like. And so, you know, you think about when people just want to help they're sending you, maybe you're getting your seventh panel lasagna, or your fifth coloring book or your 10th candle, or 100 blanket, which they're all wonderful gifts in and of themselves, but you don't need so many of them. Right, exactly. So I just really struggled to stop and think what brings me comfort, what is meaningful support look like now so that I can share that with my network and allow it, receive it and even appreciate it. What about you, my dear?

Dina Legland: 00:03:00

Well, you mentioned lasagna, so I'm gonna go that way for a minute. I'm hungry. And the reason I bring that up is because, you know, people wanted to make certain dishes that I liked, and lasagna is one of them. And, you know, going through the chemo, there were things that just made me nauseous. Certain foods really, I hate to say it like this, but I ended up vomiting because of the smell of it. So whether there was something in my stomach or not, I was just like, oh, boy, here it comes up again. You know, but it was not being able to feel that. I want to say do I feel bad for this person? Because I'm going to tell them I don't want the lasagna or am I going to hurt their feelings? No, here they are. They're making this beautiful dish for me, my husband and my daughter and there's just like, oh, no, if I see one more tray of something, I'm gonna throw it out the window.

Maggie Judge: 00:04:01

Yeah, that's it. Yeah. And prepare. Yeah,

Dina Legland: 00:04:04

yeah. But for me, one of my biggest challenges because we are very similar in a lot of ways is really accepting the support and the love. And I said, I'm fine. I know, I every five seconds like No, I'm fine. No, we're good. I'm fine. I did I'm fine a lot. And I really felt like I would lose my identity if I allowed the support and login. Because my identity since I was little is a caregiver. And you know, once again 30 years of nursing EMT, you know, the coach, it was just like, No, you nobody supposed to take care of me but me. And that, forget about me yet and it's all about you. I still need to do take care of you. I still need to whatever it was. I got about it. Yeah. And it was difficult. It was truly difficult for me. And, you know, my husband was kind of the same way. And so was my youngest daughter because she was home at the time. It's like, No, we're fine. And I'm like, are we? Are we really fine? You know, let's stop and think about this for a second. Get out. And that was really, really hard for me.

Maggie Judge: 00:05:33

Wow. Well, so yeah, we have very similar challenges. What when you look at the support, then you were able to start receiving, what was the most valuable kind of support you got?

Dina Legland: 00:05:49

I have three major support system events that happened to me however you want to put it. One was, my sister came to my chemo treatments every Wednesday. And she lived in New Jersey, and I lived on Long Island. And she said to me, I'm not taking no for an answer. This is what I'm doing, and of conversation. So she would come early Wednesday morning, like she she'd leave her house at 5am. And get to Long Island and an hour and a half. And we'd have breakfast, and then we go to treatment. And then she would stay stay for dinner and leave after dinner. Maybe once or twice out of that whole time. She's She slept over. My youngest daughter was actually she had done College in three years, and was going off to law school. But she decided to take off a year. So she was home with us, which was nice, because she lived out of the house for three years. Now she's back. So she, you know really helped in guide and support me for that year. One of the hardest ones really was my oldest daughter was in St. Kitts in the Caribbean, in veterinarian school. And we use the app called WhatsApp. And we videoed each other every single day. I love that. So she actually watched my journey through WhatsApp, to be honest with you, and whenever she could come home, she did. And you know, there was times I was you know, bold sitting having my chemo drugs through my port. And there we are on the phone, video and just talking to each other. So that that was the three major things that helped me with this the love and the support. And except that, you know,

Maggie Judge: 00:07:57

I love that the video allowed your daughter to be a part of even though she wasn't home to see and witness and you bringing her in and that way was awesome.

Dina Legland: 00:08:11

Yes. And for you, Maggie, what was? What was it for you?

Maggie Judge: 00:08:15

For me? Because I was not, I've never been really good at self care. And I'm now for the first time trying to figure out what that looks like while not feeling so good. And navigating this. The number one was the those closest to me, really knew that about me and helped me figure it out. without my asking. They were helping me figure it out. So for example, my husband he knew I wouldn't take the time to go up and maybe take a bubble bath. So he draw a bubble bath, set up candles and my favorite music and and then go downstairs and watch TV and just say you just chill for two hours or whatever. Man or my daughter would just come over and this is what we're going to do tonight. Because usually I'd be like, Okay, I'm going to come to you, what do you need? What do you want, and even Marla who you'll meet soon, who I worked with was just like she knew that she would push through that part and just helped me take care of me. So that was a huge thing I relied on to help me start to get good at receiving it, allowing it and receiving it. And the other thing I loved is when things I got packages from people I didn't even know from states I didn't even know I knew you know it was that those things were very, very, you know, fun and I really enjoyed that. But I loved the cards because I put every card I got in a basket I still have it but what I would do is when I needed a pick me up or Even if I needed to cry, I would just grab that basket and sit down and pull out cards and just go through them. And it was another reminder of all the love and support that was helping me. So those were those were a couple of my really and I have a fun story about one of my favorite specific support times and a dear friend of mine, Mary was I remember where I was laying on the couch no energy. It was like one of my day six after chemo. Yes, she called me and she was like, what do you need? And I'm like, you know, my canned answer. I'm good. But thanks for offering. But she said, No. She said, I'm going to drop something off. So tell me what you need. And I said, I don't need anything. She said. Are you hungry? I said no. She said, Are you thirsty? Like, wow, okay, yeah, I'm thirsty. She said, Okay, I'm going to bring you something. What are you like? I don't know why like water right now. Yeah, so she was like, Okay, you're obviously not going to help me with this. So she said, I'm gonna drop something off. So she 20 minutes later, rang my doorbell and left. And on my doorstep was five different Starbucks drinks. Oh, my goodness. And she texted me and said, try it, see what you like. And hopefully there's something in there that you'll enjoy. And it just so happens that one, I think it was a dragon fruit, something I don't remember the name of it. But it came like my favorite drink. As I was also drinking some icky Chinese tea that I helped me get it down. So when I was out of it, my husband was in the car on his way to Starbucks to get more.

Dina Legland: 00:11:49

I believe it's called a dragon fruit refresher.

Maggie Judge: 00:11:52

Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. And you could even add like coconut milk to it. So there's all these different things you could do with it. And they loved it.

Dina Legland: 00:11:58

That's great. So you take no for an answer. No, I love it.

Maggie Judge: 00:12:02

Exactly. I love that she did not, like just accept my answer, because she knew me while she just pushed through it and and delivered that. So that was kind of fun. Yeah, that's, that's,

Dina Legland: 00:12:15

that's amazing. I love things like that. So what might be something that you did? What maybe tool that you used to figure this all out? To be honest with you? Because that's what we have to do. We have to figure out what kind of love and support we want?

Maggie Judge: 00:12:34

Yeah, like, right, it's right. It's recognizing where we're challenged, right? And then how do we navigate that? And, and for me, it was I really had to, I was a journaler. But it wasn't a big journaler I had to hit my journal. And just as fit with the question, what is what is meaningful support look like right now? What does comfort, look and feel and sound and smell like right now and really just start to ask myself that question over and over again, because again, it changes, it changes throughout your days, your weeks, your months, your treatments, all of that, influence it. So I created a tool that I just, it helped me to repeatedly go back to that question and think through it and capture those things. So that I could share that with my support network, and help them help me or even share it with my husband to share with people who are asking. And so that tool became my go to to really help navigate. Okay, what is what is meaningful support look like this week? So I can answer the question. Yes. About you.

Dina Legland: 00:13:48

I didn't have truly a tool that I created, so to speak, but some of the tools that I use is really all about self awareness. And what I mean by that is, you know, taking a step back and looking at and discussing with my husband and my daughter, what do we need? Because I always included them to Yes, I know what I needed, and learn to know what I needed. But because there's three of us in the house because the a lot of the love and support that we got was food you know, what can we do laundry, can we take you somewhere Can we buy you something can we you know, pick you up and just take you outside for a little while, those kinds of things. And it was all about self awareness and being able to let go of that fear that I was going to lose my identity. So I did breathing techniques. When that anxiety and fear started to arise. I would just say positive Have affirmations and say, Okay, let's so and so help you today, you know, they're going to ask, what do you need today? And just tell them and be okay with telling them. Instead of saying I'm fine.

Maggie Judge: 00:15:18

What I just pictured Dina is just tell them, and then maybe go back to your breathing techniques. Yes. Breathing in the bag, right?

Dina Legland: 00:15:28

Yeah, I mean, I would be driving to work some days ago. And if you looked at me, if you were driving next to me, here, I am talking to myself with the steering wheel, my hand go and just let them help you today. Just let them out whatever it looks like. And if you know exactly what you want to they just tell them.

Maggie Judge: 00:15:45

I love that because like you say, the positive affirmations, but in almost two becomes like a fake it till you make it right. It's like, tell yourself it's a good thing until you believe it's a good thing.

Dina Legland: 00:15:57

Yes, yes. You know, yes, I agree with that. But I also believe that we don't love ourselves enough. So those positive affirmations, is really looking in the mirror and saying, Well, yeah, you are beautiful. Yes, you, I need this today, I'm going to ask because I'm strong today. And, you know, let go of whatever worries that you have that somebody might say or do as well.

Maggie Judge: 00:16:28

I love that. So you like the breathing techniques, and then reminding yourself through affirmations and that positive, you know, the self reminders and that sort of thing. I've also heard you talk a little bit about meditation, I think that was one of your

Dina Legland: 00:16:42

yes, I'm not a huge meditator where I could sit for 20 minutes to a half hour to 45 minutes, but just five simple minutes, throughout my day, help to be get through a lot.

Maggie Judge: 00:16:56

Well, and I love that, because it isn't about there's not a right or a way right or wrong way to meditate. Right? So it only takes a few minutes sometimes. And yes, it's more about sitting with yourself and quiet and listening. Yes. So So So are there any quick tips for our listeners you'd like to leave them with?

Dina Legland: 00:17:21

I would say I love the fact that you journal. But even if you have a running list, I just thought of this as as we were speaking, if you have a running list of the things that you want, or need, just keep a running list of it. And if somebody asks, refer to that list. Mm hmm. Oh, can you pick me up eggs, milk and cheese today? Oh, why don't you know, um, yes, you know, whatever that might be, whatever it is. And remember that every body is so different. Like today, one need might not be the same need that you have two days from now. Everything's ongoing. Everything's changing, everything's evolving. But I would say a good tip would be keep a running list of your wants and needs. I love that.

Maggie Judge: 00:18:17

And and I would say, and I've heard you say this before, to Dina that, too, when we think about embracing what's coming to us for love and support. In some cases, it's going to come from unexpected places. And in some cases, it's not going to come from where we expected it. And I've heard you talk about that was yes, specific examples. And so I think a tip that I want to share as making sure that you, you you just open up to receive it, where it's coming from and and engaged, the trusted people that are showing up for you and are helping you most to help you help the others because you don't have to do it alone.

Dina Legland: 00:19:08

Exactly. And we can go on and on and on. So that's going to be another episode. I see it now. I love it. But in the meantime, this is how we're going to end today. And allowing the love and the support in for whatever that looks like for you. So till our next conversation. Thank you Maggie once again.